WASHINGTON, D.C.—In
a lavish ceremony at Georgetown
University this
afternoon, former Exxon Valdez captain Joseph Hazelwood was named Obamacare
Navigator of the Month for October 2013.
"Let me be clear," President Barack Obama said in
a prerecorded video played for those attending the festivities. "I can't
think of a better person to represent the initial rollout of the healthcare
plan that bears my name than Joseph Hazelwood. Congratulations, sir."
Mr. Hazelwood is best known for drunkenly piloting the
ill-fated Exxon Valdez supertanker, which ran aground in Prince William Sound, Alaska
in 1989 and spilled millions of gallons of oil, killing countless innocent
living creatures and poisoning the water and land for miles around.
"First of all," a clearly inebriated Mr. Hazelwood
said as he accepted his award, "I want to thank President Obama for the
opportunity he gave me. At first, I was a little pissed to be demoted from
captain to navigator. But then I considered the fact that nobody else has
trusted me to scrape barnacles off rowboats, let alone navigate anything, for
the past 24 years. And I won't let you down Mr. President," Mr. Hazelwood
said, holding his brandy snifter high in the air. "It'll be nothing but
smooth sailing ahead."
