BOISE, ID—In a shocking development that has stunned much of
the American northwest, the entire state of Idaho committed suicide en masse
following the Boise State University football team's 38-6 loss to the
University of Washington late Saturday night.
"Yeah, I knew something was wrong when I heard what
sounded like a thunderclap right around 10pm," Clarkston, Washington
resident Neil Watkins recounted when told that approximately 1.6 million of his
neighbors were dead from self-inflicted gunshot wounds. "It was a
beautiful night, not a cloud in the sky. But then right at ten o'clock.
Boom!"
Other residents of Clarkston, which lies just across the
border from Lewiston, Idaho, shared similar stories.
"Yup," said Margaret Welch, 77. "I was
watchin' the game, just like everyone else. It was close in the first half,
then BSU's defense went all to Hades, which we've come to expect. But as the
game clock ticked on and on, it became pretty clear the offense wasn't going to
bail them out the way they have the last seven years or so. Then, bang!"
Although BSU, a perennial Mountain West Conference
powerhouse, was only ranked 19th in both the NCAA preseason AP and USA Today
coaches' polls, Idahoans were confident the Broncos had a legitimate shot at
the BCS championship.
"Sure, they're a big fish in a microscopic pond," Boise resident Todd Fields said during a cigarette break
at his business meeting in Spokane.
"They beat the crap out their conference, stomp on a few non-conference
creampuffs, then skate to a top-five ranking and finagle their way into a
meaningful bowl game. That's the way it's always been.
"At least, that's the way it used to be," Fields
added, gazing wistfully at a dangerously-congested highway just 100 feet away
from him.
