WASHINGTON, D.C.—In
a move that surprised approximately no one, the Department of Defense today
announced that the song "Hail to the Chief," which traditionally
accompanies the President of the United States during his public
appearances, will be replaced at least temporarily by "Yakety Sax."
"Yeah, I don't know what that is," Defense
Secretary Chuck Hagel mumbled when confronted by reporters just outside the
Pentagon. "Someone put some paperwork on my desk about changing some music
or something, so I signed it."
When asked if he even knew that the playing of "Hail to
the Chief," for some bizarre reason, falls under the jurisdiction of his
department, and that he could look that arcane piece of trivia up, Mr. Hagel
elaborated.
"I don't know."
"Yakety Sax," probably better known as the theme
song to popular 1970s British television program "The Benny Hill
Show," is an upbeat, even jaunty tune. Typically, it's played while
incompetent authority figures attempt to capture terminally drunk and horny
Benny Hill, who appears to expend little to no effort in evading them.
"It's pretty heavy stuff, if you think about it,"
said Spin magazine roving editor and
2005-to-present music historian Zander Reese. "I mean, with all the
scandals and stuff going on, plus the economy, plus now the war in Syria that has
to happen because Obama wanted to look tough during the election and now he's
shitting himself because he actually has to back his words up.
"Need I say more?"
The descendants of Boots Randolph, the man who popularized
the tune in 1963, unanimously agreed with the government's decision.
