WASHINGTON,
D.C.—Following days of angry
protests in the streets of several American cities and days of inexplicable
silence from the White House, President Barack Obama today finally addressed
the media at length regarding his feelings on the Zimmermann decision handed
down several days ago.
"Let me be clear," the president said to the press
corps assembled in the Rose Garden. "When National League All-Star manager
Bruce Bochy elected to replace injured pitcher Jordan Zimmermann with another
pitcher on the roster instead of selecting a power hitter, I was just as
astonished and upset as you were."
While the reporters in attendance murmured amongst
themselves in confusion, Mr. Obama continued.
"Even a questionable 'sports fan' such as myself knew,
with just a simple glance at the National League's lineup, that they were going
to need a big bat to offset the powerful American League lineup. Factor in the
A.L.'s outstanding relief pitching, and, well, I think we can all agree that
the Zimmermann decision was simply inexcusable. However, I reject any call for
violence sparked by this incident.
"On the other hand," Obama elaborated, "how
much happier would the nation have been if Yasiel Puig was coming up with two
runners on in the bottom of the ninth? Unfortunately, I have to lay the
majority of the blame of the disappointing Zimmermann decision squarely at the
feet of Bruce Bochy. Sleep well tonight, Bruce."
As Obama left to board Air Force One en route to Martha's Vineyard, Rev. Al Sharpton demanded that all
future All-Star roster changes be approved by the chairman of the World
Baseball Classic.
"Also," Sharpton added, "I think we all know what that extra 'N' in Zimmermann's name stands for."
"Also," Sharpton added, "I think we all know what that extra 'N' in Zimmermann's name stands for."
