WASHINGTON, D.C.—Newly-confirmed Environmental Protection
Agency (EPA) director Gina McCarthy wasted little time making her presence felt
today as she filed a $100 million federal lawsuit against Sherwin-Williams Paints.
The news was included as part of the Obama administration's Friday night
"document dump," a weekly act some believe is used to quell media
coverage of events that could be considered controversial.
"I wanted to get the stone rolling right away, so to
speak," said Mrs. McCarthy, a matronly mother of three, at a
hastily-assembled press conference outside her office. "That utterly
horrid Sherwin-Williams logo has haunted my dreams since the day I first gazed upon it
as a child." Mrs. McCarthy took a moment to dab at her eyes with an
Earth-friendly, hypoallergenic hemp tissue before continuing.
"First of all, the red paint pouring over the planet
looks like blood. Ironically, real blood, even human blood, would be much more
eco-positive from an Earth Mother-centric point of view. Gaia herself weeps
tears of bitumen every time a diesel-powered truck delivers those toxic cans of
carcinogens to each of Sherwin-Williams' 4,000 convenient locations. We at the
EPA, green as we are, feel that they should pay for their sins with good
old-fashioned American cash."
The Midwest Ledger contacted
Sherwin-Williams CEO Christopher M. Conner as he dined with his family at a
bistro in downtown Cleveland,
where his 147-year-old company was founded and is still headquartered.
"You kidding me?" Mr. Conner asked as he wiped the
remnants of a 24-ounce T-bone from his face before lighting a Macanudo Gold
Label cigar. "That broad's barely finished watching her
employee-orientation videos and she thinks she can—A hundred mil? Oh, hell no.
It's on."
