WASHINGTON, D.C.—Although the so-called "People's
House" has been closed to most Americans for months due to sequestration,
select members of the media were invited today to spend the afternoon grazing
on the front lawn of the White House.
"Let me be clear, " President Barack Obama said as
he watched representatives from PBS, MSNBC, CNN, and other well-known media
outlets transform the lush, taxpayer-watered grass of the White House's front
yard into cud. "What the media are doing here today benefits the country
on two levels. Firstly, they are doing a bang-up job of distracting the average
American from the 'phony scandals' my administration is getting away with right
under their ignorant noses. And second of all, the media are keeping my lawn
neatly trimmed in the greenest, most eco-friendly way possible. I believe kudos
are in order."
As the handful of bipedal folks in attendance applauded
politely, President Obama donned a Callaway Golf cap, then tossed his
microphone to first lady Michelle Obama.
"Like Barry said, we're eternally grateful to the media
for having our back," Mrs. Obama said, stroking the wooly coats of a pair
of media members. "Rachel and Chris here have been especially useful. Do
either of you have anything to say?"
"Baa," replied Rachel.
"Baa," agreed Chris.
"Excellent," said Mrs. Obama, giving her friends a
tender pat atop the head. "Enjoy that tasty grass. It may be showing up on
your local elementary school's lunch menu, whether you like it or not."
While Rachel and Chris gorged themselves on grass, Mrs.
Obama attempted to coax a shy little sheep to join in the festivities.
"Come on, Alan," the first lady said gently.
"I know you're feeling left out of the picture since you lost your cash
cow, but Barry and I still love you. You may be just a tiny widdle guy, but I
bet you would be great at fertilizing this big ol' lawn. Almost as good as the
others."
