LEWISTON,
ID—Like many young males these
days, 16-year-old Logan Holstead is a huge fan of MMA, or Mixed Martial Arts, a
testosterone-fueled hybrid of boxing, wrestling, street-fighting, and every
martial arts discipline imaginable. And like many young males, Logan has a high tolerance for the pain he
sees inflicted upon his fellow man in the octagon.
"What a pussy!" Logan recently exclaimed while watching a
high-profile match in the basement of his parents' modest home. "I can't
believe that little girl couldn't handle a couple dozen hammer punches to his
pretty face. If that was me, I would've just grabbed that guy's wrist and put
him in an arm-bar. He would've tapped out in like three seconds."
Logan, who weighs 128 pounds and gets winded walking up more
than three flights of stairs, continued.
"That's what I hate about MMA," Logan said before chasing the last of his
Flamin' Hot Cheetos with a swig of Mountain Dew Code Red. "There'll be a
pretty good fight going on, then some carpet-muncher'll get his shoulder
dislocated or his orbital bone smashed. Before you know it, the ref stops it.
'Oh, no! The poor little princess is bleeding!'" Logan added in a preening falsetto.
"They might as well make these queers wear dresses."
"And look at these
limp-wristed bastards," Logan
went on, biting into a stick of beef jerky as a pair of heavyweight contenders
stepped into the octagon. "Just because you have a bunch of tattoos and
muscles doesn't mean you're all hardcore. Sometimes it pays to be small and
quick. If I was fighting those closeted fags, I'd just—"
Logan's
commentary was cut short by his older brother, Tyler, who put him in a
full-nelson before bending him forward and mimicking a homosexual act upon him.
"How do you like that?" Tyler inquired as he continued to mock-rape
his brother. "You gonna move your truck out of the driveway? You gonna
move your truck out of the driveway? It's blocking me in."
"Yes! Yes! I'll move my truck!" Logan
promised, referring to his 1988 Toyota
low-rider pickup with the enormous "Tapout" sticker on the rear
window. "Just please let me go!"
