Douchebag Still Has Window Sticker on New Car

DAYTON, OH—Despite finalizing the lease agreement on his 2013 Audi A6 Quattro sedan a full three days ago, local dipshit Aaron Coleman has yet to remove the dealership's line-item sticker from the rear passenger-side window.

"It's like he wants us all to know that his fancy new car has heated seats and mirrors," said Derivative Mortgage co-worker Jessie Ferguson-Hall, 37. "Duh, Andy. You told us that two days ago."

In addition to the above-mentioned accoutrements, Mr. Coleman's sleek piece of German machinery rolled off the factory line with a 7.7-inch in-dash monitor, 310 horsepower, and 20-inch chrome rims.

"Coleman's such a douchebag," noted next-door neighbor Will Reynolds, 51. "The guy came over for a couple beers last week and I let it slip that me and [wife] Maggie are having financial trouble. Three days later, the son of a bitch has that bright red, fifty-five-thousand-dollar piece of heaven parked in his driveway. He even backed in so I couldn't miss the sticker price. Asshole."

Derivative Mortgage intern Monica Sloan, 21, had a completely different take on Mr. Coleman's new car.

"A lease?" the incredulous Ms. Sloan asked. "Eww! The guy's like thirty and he can't even afford to buy a car? I'm so canceling our date."

"Eww!" Ms. Sloan elaborated.

Media Fitted For New Cheerleader Uniforms

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Slowly but surely, temperatures in the D.C. area are creeping higher. Soon spring will shove winter's chill away and the cherry blossoms will be in full bloom. With that in mind, the White House announced today that the media's cheerleader uniforms will be fully revamped for the upcoming political season.

"We're going with something completely different for President Obama's historic second term," lead designer Greg LaVerne said from a makeshift stage in the Rose Garden. "More color, more sass, more oompf!"

As bass-heavy club music thumped in the background, Mr. LaVerne introduced the models and their stunning new ensembles.

"Ms. Maddow is wearing what I like to call the road uniform," Mr. LaVerne said. "You'll notice the top is lower-cut than it was last year, and the skirt is frillier and more feminine. And doesn't the new red-and-yellow motif just pop?

"Next we have Chris Matthews," LaVerne said as Mr. Matthews strutted onto the stage. "Chris is wearing the home uniform, as you can plainly see. The Obama logo is prominent on the front of the tank top. Between the logo and Chris' midriff, you'll be delighted to see the word 'Forward' stitched in a gorgeous flowing script.

"And I know you all noticed the extremely short skirt," Mr. LaVerve added as Chris Matthews bumped and grinded away. "Now you'll be able to see the tingle go all the way up his leg!"

USDA Testing Meat For Canine DNA

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move it insists is unrelated to the recent discovery of horse DNA in beef from several suppliers in Europe, the United States Department of Agriculture announced today that it has begun testing for canine DNA at a handful of beef processing facilities in the mid-Atlantic region.

"First and foremost," said USDA spokeswoman Bonnie Wheeler-Paul, "we want to let the public know that there are absolutely no health risks involved with this testing, which will affect just a tiny percentage of the beef processed daily in the U.S. I know the timing is a bit alarming, coming on the heels of the horse meat scare in Europe. But I assure you, there is nothing to be concerned about. We are simply following orders from higher up."

Later, White House press secretary Jay Carney filled in a few of the blanks.

"Yes, an individual at the White House requested that we test some local processors for canine DNA," a clearly perturbed Carney said. "I can't say exactly who it was, but rest assured that—"

"Jay!" President Barack Obama said, approaching the podium with a Titleist visor perched jauntily atop his head. "You got my text message, right? About the Indonesian delicacy I was hoping you'd get me for dinner? I wasn't barking up the wrong tree, was I?"

"No, sir," Mr. Carney replied before whispering something into the president's ear. Mr. Obama nudged Carney aside and spoke into the microphone.

"Let me be clear," Obama said. "Although we have yet to find any evidence of canine meat in any of the beef tested at any of the nearby facilities today, I want to assure the American people that I am steadfastly dedicated to this cause, and that I will not rest until the majority of meat in this country comes from this adorable, loyal, and exceedingly tasty source."

President Obama then left to make travel arrangements for the 2014 Westminster Dog Show.

Obama Explains Sequestration to Children

FAIRFAX, VA—After receiving a letter sent to him by six-year-old Sarah Fulmer expressing anxiety over tomorrow's sequestration deadline, President Barack Obama cut short a golf outing and made a beeline for Bobby Jones Elementary School in suburban Fairfax to alleviate the tyke's fears.

"Let me be clear," President Obama told the auditorium full of five-, six-, and seven-year-old students. "Like Sarah said in her letter, sequestration is a big and scary word, but it doesn't have to be. It's just that there are some meanies in Congress called Republicans who don't want me to do whatever I want, like when your mommy tells you not to eat so much candy or your big brother tells you he wants to watch a football game on TV instead of your favorite cartoon. Now does that sound fair to you props, er, kids?"

"No!" the children replied in unison.

"Very good!" said the president, smiling and nodding. "Life would be so much easier for me if those mean Republicans were more like you. In any event, it isn't just the Republicans who are being mean. Believe it or not, some of your mommies and daddies are being mean to me too."

When the children's gasps of amazement and occasional sobs subsided, the president continued.

"It's true, kids. Some of your parents in this nice little community don't want to give me more of their money. Kind of like when they won't let you have that video game all your other friends have, or they won't give you a few dollars for the ice cream man. Isn't that so unfair?"

"Yes!" the children agreed as one.

The president clapped his hands. "Good," he said. "Now, when you get home, I want you all to repeat this little rhyme to your parents. Tell them, 'Give Obama all of your cash, or he will make the economy crash'."

"Give Obama all of your cash, or he will make the economy crash!" the children's voices echoed throughout the auditorium.

"Excellent," Mr. Obama said. "And rest assured, little ones. My successor will be paying you all a personal visit in, oh, twelve to fifteen years."

Vegas Taking Bets on First Person to be Droned on U.S. Soil

LAS VEGAS, NV—Anticipating that the first lethal in-country drone strike against an American citizen could come at any moment, gambling hotspots all over Las Vegas have begun accepting bets on who in our vast nation will earn the dubious distinction.

"As soon as Obama vaporized that American-born terrorist and his kid, I knew it would only be a matter of time before he started doing that shit right here in our backyard," said Vinnie "The Tack" Sharples from his home office located five miles off Vegas' famed Strip. "I thought for sure the Dorner freak would be the first to get blown all to hell. I had it 3-to-1."

In fact, Mr. Sharples' impromptu "Drone Pool" website crashed due to sheer traffic volume shortly after ex-LAPD officer Christopher Dorner holed himself up in a remote cabin near Big Bear, California.

"The cops eventually toasted the guy themselves," said a smiling Mr. Sharples. " But I still made over forty-five grand when the cops positively I.D.ed the body a couple days later."

An hour after news of Mr. Sharples' windfall spread to the Strip, every major casino announced their own version of "Drone Pool," complete with detailed odds and lists of potential targets.

"We're making money hand over fist on this thing," said Frank Castellano, who oversees non-sports wagering at the Bellagio. "It's a weird combination of humanity's inherent creepiness and the fact that the president can just push a button and off someone, no questions asked. Anyway, we've taken in $3.5 million in a week and a half."

According to oddsmakers, the leading candidates to be blown to smithereens by President Obama are Dr. Benjamin Carson (10-1), veteran journalist Bob Woodward (5-1), and the entire Republican Party (3-5).

Obama Claims Imaginary Friend Suggested Sequestration

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Following weeks of public finger-pointing among Republicans and Democrats regarding who came up with the idea to initiate $85 billion in indiscriminate spending cuts should a budget agreement not be reached by March 1st, President Barack Obama revealed today that the sequestration was suggested to him by his longtime imaginary friend, Garzinkelpork.

"Let me be clear," the president said in the Rose Garden, his left arm propped up as if resting on the shoulders of another person of roughly the same height. "Garzinkelpork has been with me through thick and thin for nearly five decades now. When this kindly old man of Gypsy and Armenian descent—who has the power to summon extinct animals, as well as to communicate telepathically with far-off aliens—speaks, you better believe I listen."

When asked by the press corps if Garzinkelpork would make the final decision as to whether or not the sequestration would take place, Obama huddled with the figment of his imagination for a moment before simply saying, "As always, I'll take Garzinkelpork's advice into account."

As the White House press corps clamored for more details, Mr. Obama feigned taking the hand of his invisible, nonexistent friend, then skipped away from the podium.

"Mr. President!" a young reporter shouted above the din. "Don't you think making important decisions like this so arbitrarily is dangerous for the country?"

As soon as Mr. Obama entered the White House and shut the door behind him, the rest of the press corps beat the young reporter to death with their laptops.

'Innocence of Muslims' Wins Best Picture Oscar

LOS ANGELES, CA—In what can only be called the most shocking event in the history of the Oscars, the poorly-produced, poorly-dubbed, 14-minute-long internet movie trailer "Innocence of Muslims" upset some of the year's most critically-acclaimed and highest-grossing films to take home the Academy Award for Best Picture.

Most critics and Hollywood insiders had expected "Argo," "Lincoln," or possibly "Zero Dark Thirty" to win the prestigious award. Most of the ceremony's attendees apparently felt the same way, judging by their stunned silence after first lady Michelle Obama announced the winner via satellite from the White House.

The only person who seemed excited by the selection of "Innocence of Muslims" was former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton, who accepted the award on behalf of Nakoula Basseley Nakoula, the producer and director of the film, who is currently serving a one-year prison sentence for violating terms of his probation.

"Thank you, thank you!" Mrs. Clinton gushed as she approached the podium, the Oscar held high in her left hand. "Nobody thought it was possible, but with the tireless marketing efforts of the Obama administration we were able to get the word out about this film. Audience reaction around the world was incredibly enthusiastic. Some may even say rabid. Being a low-budget project, we only had $70,000 in cash to spend on advertising, and we spent it all in Pakistan. But it looks like we made the right decision!

"And this is only the beginning," Mrs. Clinton continued as the orchestra began to play its walk-off music and two ushers guided her stage-left. "If you think 2012 was a good year, wait until you see what Obama Productions has in store for 2013!"