DAYTON, OH—Despite finalizing the lease agreement on
his 2013 Audi A6 Quattro sedan a full three days ago, local dipshit Aaron
Coleman has yet to remove the dealership's line-item sticker from the rear passenger-side
window.
"It's like he wants us all to know that his fancy new
car has heated seats and mirrors," said Derivative Mortgage co-worker
Jessie Ferguson-Hall, 37. "Duh, Andy. You told us that two days ago."
In addition to the above-mentioned accoutrements, Mr.
Coleman's sleek piece of German machinery rolled off the factory line with a
7.7-inch in-dash monitor, 310 horsepower, and 20-inch chrome rims.
"Coleman's such a douchebag," noted next-door
neighbor Will Reynolds, 51. "The guy came over for a couple beers last
week and I let it slip that me and [wife] Maggie are having financial trouble.
Three days later, the son of a bitch has that bright red, fifty-five-thousand-dollar
piece of heaven parked in his driveway. He even backed in so I couldn't miss
the sticker price. Asshole."
Derivative Mortgage intern Monica Sloan, 21, had a
completely different take on Mr. Coleman's new car.
"A lease?" the incredulous Ms. Sloan asked.
"Eww! The guy's like thirty and he can't even afford to buy a car? I'm so canceling
our date."
