WASHINGTON, D.C.—In
a move it insists is unrelated to the recent discovery of horse DNA in beef
from several suppliers in Europe, the United
States Department of Agriculture announced today that it has begun testing for
canine DNA at a handful of beef processing facilities in the mid-Atlantic
region.
"First and foremost," said USDA spokeswoman Bonnie
Wheeler-Paul, "we want to let the public know that there are absolutely no
health risks involved with this testing, which will affect just a tiny
percentage of the beef processed daily in the U.S. I know the timing is a bit
alarming, coming on the heels of the horse meat scare in Europe.
But I assure you, there is nothing to be concerned about. We are simply
following orders from higher up."
Later, White House press secretary Jay Carney filled in a
few of the blanks.
"Yes, an individual at the White House requested that
we test some local processors for canine DNA," a clearly perturbed Carney
said. "I can't say exactly who it was, but rest assured that—"
"Jay!" President Barack Obama said, approaching
the podium with a Titleist visor perched jauntily atop his head. "You got
my text message, right? About the Indonesian delicacy I was hoping you'd get me
for dinner? I wasn't barking up the wrong tree, was I?"
"No, sir," Mr. Carney replied before whispering
something into the president's ear. Mr. Obama nudged Carney aside and spoke
into the microphone.
"Let me be clear," Obama said. "Although we
have yet to find any evidence of canine meat in any of the beef tested at any
of the nearby facilities today, I want to assure the American people that I am
steadfastly dedicated to this cause, and that I will not rest until the
majority of meat in this country comes from this adorable, loyal, and exceedingly
tasty source."
