MILWAUKEE,
WI—In a stunning event that comes
on the heels of the Biogenesis scandal rocking Major League Baseball, the
Milwaukee Brewers today announced that the participants of their popular mascot
"Sausage Race" have been suspended indefinitely following allegations
that all five racers tested positive for porcine growth hormone.
"It's certainly disappointing," said fan favorite
Hot Dog. "You'd think they'd give us a chance to explain ourselves before
just pulling the plug like that."
"I'm no dummy," added Polish Sausage, an edge to
his voice. "I'm getting a lawyer and I'm fighting this."
Italian Sausage, however, seemed resigned to the fact that
he wouldn't set foot in Miller
Park for the rest of the year.
"It'sa losta cause. You might as well slice-a me up and put-a me on your
pizza pie."
"Bull-sheisse," said a clearly inebriated Bratwurst.
"Vee must vait dem out! Dey vill crumble like the valls of Varsaw wery
soon!"
Removing himself from the fray, one sausage racer stood his
ground admirably.
"I had nothing to do with this," Chorizo said
through an interpreter. "My fellow sausages and I are merely the victims
of an insidious witch hunt. Though lax laws make performance-enhancing drugs readily available
south of the border, I assure you I am innocent. I will surely be
exonerated."
