Douchebag Still Has Window Sticker on New Car

DAYTON, OH—Despite finalizing the lease agreement on his 2013 Audi A6 Quattro sedan a full three days ago, local dipshit Aaron Coleman has yet to remove the dealership's line-item sticker from the rear passenger-side window.

"It's like he wants us all to know that his fancy new car has heated seats and mirrors," said Derivative Mortgage co-worker Jessie Ferguson-Hall, 37. "Duh, Andy. You told us that two days ago."

In addition to the above-mentioned accoutrements, Mr. Coleman's sleek piece of German machinery rolled off the factory line with a 7.7-inch in-dash monitor, 310 horsepower, and 20-inch chrome rims.

"Coleman's such a douchebag," noted next-door neighbor Will Reynolds, 51. "The guy came over for a couple beers last week and I let it slip that me and [wife] Maggie are having financial trouble. Three days later, the son of a bitch has that bright red, fifty-five-thousand-dollar piece of heaven parked in his driveway. He even backed in so I couldn't miss the sticker price. Asshole."

Derivative Mortgage intern Monica Sloan, 21, had a completely different take on Mr. Coleman's new car.

"A lease?" the incredulous Ms. Sloan asked. "Eww! The guy's like thirty and he can't even afford to buy a car? I'm so canceling our date."

"Eww!" Ms. Sloan elaborated.

Media Fitted For New Cheerleader Uniforms

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Slowly but surely, temperatures in the D.C. area are creeping higher. Soon spring will shove winter's chill away and the cherry blossoms will be in full bloom. With that in mind, the White House announced today that the media's cheerleader uniforms will be fully revamped for the upcoming political season.

"We're going with something completely different for President Obama's historic second term," lead designer Greg LaVerne said from a makeshift stage in the Rose Garden. "More color, more sass, more oompf!"

As bass-heavy club music thumped in the background, Mr. LaVerne introduced the models and their stunning new ensembles.

"Ms. Maddow is wearing what I like to call the road uniform," Mr. LaVerne said. "You'll notice the top is lower-cut than it was last year, and the skirt is frillier and more feminine. And doesn't the new red-and-yellow motif just pop?

"Next we have Chris Matthews," LaVerne said as Mr. Matthews strutted onto the stage. "Chris is wearing the home uniform, as you can plainly see. The Obama logo is prominent on the front of the tank top. Between the logo and Chris' midriff, you'll be delighted to see the word 'Forward' stitched in a gorgeous flowing script.

"And I know you all noticed the extremely short skirt," Mr. LaVerve added as Chris Matthews bumped and grinded away. "Now you'll be able to see the tingle go all the way up his leg!"

USDA Testing Meat For Canine DNA

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move it insists is unrelated to the recent discovery of horse DNA in beef from several suppliers in Europe, the United States Department of Agriculture announced today that it has begun testing for canine DNA at a handful of beef processing facilities in the mid-Atlantic region.

"First and foremost," said USDA spokeswoman Bonnie Wheeler-Paul, "we want to let the public know that there are absolutely no health risks involved with this testing, which will affect just a tiny percentage of the beef processed daily in the U.S. I know the timing is a bit alarming, coming on the heels of the horse meat scare in Europe. But I assure you, there is nothing to be concerned about. We are simply following orders from higher up."

Later, White House press secretary Jay Carney filled in a few of the blanks.

"Yes, an individual at the White House requested that we test some local processors for canine DNA," a clearly perturbed Carney said. "I can't say exactly who it was, but rest assured that—"

"Jay!" President Barack Obama said, approaching the podium with a Titleist visor perched jauntily atop his head. "You got my text message, right? About the Indonesian delicacy I was hoping you'd get me for dinner? I wasn't barking up the wrong tree, was I?"

"No, sir," Mr. Carney replied before whispering something into the president's ear. Mr. Obama nudged Carney aside and spoke into the microphone.

"Let me be clear," Obama said. "Although we have yet to find any evidence of canine meat in any of the beef tested at any of the nearby facilities today, I want to assure the American people that I am steadfastly dedicated to this cause, and that I will not rest until the majority of meat in this country comes from this adorable, loyal, and exceedingly tasty source."

President Obama then left to make travel arrangements for the 2014 Westminster Dog Show.