Joseph Hazelwood Named Obamacare Navigator of the Month

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a lavish ceremony at Georgetown University this afternoon, former Exxon Valdez captain Joseph Hazelwood was named Obamacare Navigator of the Month for October 2013.

"Let me be clear," President Barack Obama said in a prerecorded video played for those attending the festivities. "I can't think of a better person to represent the initial rollout of the healthcare plan that bears my name than Joseph Hazelwood. Congratulations, sir."

Mr. Hazelwood is best known for drunkenly piloting the ill-fated Exxon Valdez supertanker, which ran aground in Prince William Sound, Alaska in 1989 and spilled millions of gallons of oil, killing countless innocent living creatures and poisoning the water and land for miles around.

"First of all," a clearly inebriated Mr. Hazelwood said as he accepted his award, "I want to thank President Obama for the opportunity he gave me. At first, I was a little pissed to be demoted from captain to navigator. But then I considered the fact that nobody else has trusted me to scrape barnacles off rowboats, let alone navigate anything, for the past 24 years. And I won't let you down Mr. President," Mr. Hazelwood said, holding his brandy snifter high in the air. "It'll be nothing but smooth sailing ahead."

Mr. Hazelwood then vomited into the orchestra pit before falling off the stage and shattering his pelvis. Unfortunately, he has been unable to log onto the Obamacare website, and will be forced to pay for medical treatment out of his own pocket.

New iPunch App Spells Trouble For Douchebags

CUPERTINO, CA—In yet another instance of giving the public exactly what it wants, Apple today announced the availability of the controversial "iPunch" application for its ubiquitous mobile devices.

"The iPunch app is at the forefront of interactive technology," gushed Apple spokeswoman Candace Fowler. "It gives our customers the ability to walk the streets of any city with the same confidence reserved for VIPs and dignitaries who have the luxury of an at-the-ready team of bodyguards."

Downloadable at iTunes for 99 cents, the iPunch app allows users to contact local persons to come to their aid if confronted by a mugger, a gang of thugs, or even just a garden-variety douchebag.

"Sadly, the adage that when seconds count, the police are minutes away holds true in most large cities," Ms. Fowler said. "That's where iPunch comes in. With just a few swipes of your fingertip, you can have an army of ultra-violent, meth-addled miscreants at your beck and call. Or imagine the look on the face of the guy who cuts you off in traffic when he gets his jaw broken by a recently-released convict. Classic."

Ms. Fowler predicted that iPunch would prove most popular among single women, bullied students, and people with a low tolerance level for assholes.

At press time, Jonathan Martin was signing up for iPunch's Zombie Package and sending a dozen bath salt addicts to Richie Incognito's home.

Porn Industry to Regulate Use of Word 'Star'

CHATSWORTH, CA—In a move designed to eliminate confusion among both its performers and its audience, the multibillion-dollar porn industry today announced its intention to regulate the use of the word "star" when describing the men and women who have sex with each other in front of a camera for money.

"Like, a lot of people are in porn, but honestly, not every single one of them is a star," newcomer Flo Rivers, 19, said. "Of course, I would like to be called a porn star someday, but at the same time I have a lot of respect for the tradition of the industry. So I'll let the fans decide whether or not my performances make me worthy of 'stardom'."

Veteran performer Dick Dragz agreed with Ms. Rivers' assessment of the situation.

"Yeah, ever since this 'reality porn' crap came out, every drunken skank and every limp-dicked college kid with a cell phone and a domain name thinks they're a porn star," Mr. Dragz said, rolling his eyes. "It's [expletive] embarrassing. Then you throw the likes of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian into the mix, which really blurs the line between stardom and just plain whorishness."

Although industry insiders have yet to agree upon a rating system that accurately identifies who is or isn't a porn star, fans of the smut genre have taken to Twitter and other online outlets to voice their opinions.

"a slut aint a star till she does a tp at least a dp," slickhandDan69 wrote via Twitter. After taking a few moments to reevaluate his stance, Mr. slickhand added, "10 guy bukkake is ok to."

The porn industry released a statement saying it is taking the opinion of each of its fans into account.