NEW YORK, NY—Reynolds Wrap, long one of America's
best-selling aluminum foil producers, has seen a four-fold increase in monthly
sales over the same period last year, public relations spokesperson Bethany
Lane confirmed.
"It's been a hectic last couple of weeks, that's for
sure," Ms. Lane
said at a regularly-scheduled shareholders' meeting in Mid-Town. "All our
plants are running at full capacity twenty-four-seven just to keep up with
demand. If this continues, expect Reynolds Wrap to hire upwards of a thousand
new employees in the coming weeks. There's even talk of opening at least one
new plant."
When asked what was driving the record-setting sales, Ms. Lane laughed.
"You watch the news, don't you?" she asked.
"It sure as heck looks like the so-called 'tin-foil crowd' has been on to
something regarding the current president's administration."
"I mean, come on," Lane continued. "Using the
IRS to target your political opponents? Having your buddy the Attorney General
sign off on covert investigations of law-abiding journalists? And don't even
get me started on Benghazi
or Fast and Furious."
Ms. Lane
removed a roll of Reynolds Wrap from her handbag and peeled off a long strip
before fashioning it into a simple triangular hat and placing it atop her head.
"If I were you, I'd be doing the same thing," she
warned the assembled investors. "If these scandals are the ones they'll
sort of admit to, can you imagine what's really going on at the White
House?"
